Happiness Comes From the Inside, 5 Ways to be Happy Right Now

csbuildi — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 17:27:01 +0000

What does it take to be happy?

This is question that many many people find themselves asking, and as we ramble through this journey called life we may need a little help to keep that smile on our face and that spring in our step. More than once I have asked myself what it takes to be happy and in all my searching I have found a few distinct truths that come alive and as simple as they may seem offer an opportunity to be happy with yourself all the time, even when the chips are down.

Here are 5 simple ways to get happy right now, and to stay that way, these aren’t pump you up sorts of techniques, but they are real things you can do to change how you feel and make you feel much happier;

1-Do something nice for someone else

This is one of the fastest most effective ways to get happy fast, go out and do something kind for someone else, it can be as simple as giving a compliment or taking someone to lunch, or even stopping your car and helping that person on the side of the road. Service to others helps us remember that there are people everywhere have a need for something that you have got, and feeling needed is important to so many people.

2- Change your posture

This may seem a little ridiculous at first, but this has been one of the best ways for me to go from stress to happiness quickly, sit up straight, take a deep breath in and put a big old goofy smile on your face, you can literally feel the tension that is in your chest melt away, and it is replaced with a sense of well being and dare I say confidence that you can get through anything.

3- Read a good book, or even a few pages of something positive

If you are a religious person, turn to whatever religious text helps you to see things in a good way, two of my favorite passages come from The Bible, one is found in Proverbs 16:20 and reads “…whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he.” And the other is found in Psalms 46:10 and says “Be still and know that I am God” These 2 short sayings help me know that I have a greater purpose, and that I am meant to be happy, not miserable. If you are not a believer in any religious texts I would suggest finding something that brings you peace of mind.

4- Tell someone that you love them

Now this may fall into the service category, but I think it merits its own section, think of someone you love, someone that you haven’t told in a while that you love them. Give them a call, write them a letter, or go visit them and say the words “I Love You.” The key point is to say those exact words, don’t try and say anything else, just simply “I Love You.” It’s a little uncomfortable for a lot of people at first, but it will warm your heart immediately and help you feel happy.

5- Remember that happiness is first

This may seem the strange part, but often people will put qualifiers in front of what will make them feel happy, people will say things like, “when I get that promotion, I’ll be happy” or “when I find my soul mate, Then I’ll be happy” but that is not how it works at all. Happiness starts inside of you and then radiates out to the things that you do, a bold statement I often make to people is, “there is nothing in the world outside of you that can make you happy or sad.” All that I mean by that is that you choose each moment of each day how you will respond to your life, and certainly you have the ability to choose happiness of all the negative emotions you often find yourself burdened down with. You have the ability to choose happiness and peace instead of anguish, it’s a very simple concept that can seem very difficult, but give it a try, just try to choose happiness.

We are not powerless, we have the ability to master all of our emotions and that includes choosing happiness, you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain, why not give happiness a try?

Can Friendships Last for a Lifetime?

csbuildi — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 12:57:04 +0000

How does one define friendship? To me, friendships can be forged between family members, husbands and wives, co-workers, classmates and so forth. For the purpose of this article, however, I will restrict the definition of friendship to this : frienship between friends.
Is friendship for a lifetime? What do you think? For me personally, I believe that a friendship can be for a lifetime. However, whether friendships can last for a lifetime or not will depend on several factors. Firstly, friendships need time to cultivate. So it’s crucial that you spend time with your friends if you want your friendships to last. Secondly, for friendships to last, there must be mutual trust. Thirdly, honesty is essential if you want your friendships to last. In addition, friendships must be genuine in order to last. Last but not least, friendships must be built on the foundation of love in order to stand the test of time.
Now, let me elaborate on these factors. If you are someone who values friendships, I believe that making time to cultivate them will be of great importance to you and will be deemed as necessary too. It is also crucial that you spend time regularly with your friends if you want your friendships to last for a lifetime.
For friendships to last for a lifetime, mutual trust is extremely critical. Just imagine what will happen if you do not trust your friends and vice-versa. You will probably be guarded when you are in the presence of your friends. Likewise, your friends will probably be guarded when they are in your presence. Do you not think that your contact with one another will diminish over time if trust is lacking?
Honesty is closely linked to mutual trust. Why do I say that? The reason is simple. Can you trust your friends if they lie to you, especially if they are consistently dishonest towards you? The answer is obvious, isn’t it? Honesty is crucial in all relationships, especially if you want your relationships, including friendships, to grow and to last. Without consistent honesty, you can expect your friendships to be shallow and non-lasting.
What do I mean by genuine friendships? I believe that a genuine friendship is not and should not be based on what one can gain from it. If a person intends to gain something from a friendship, then I would thnk that this friendship is not genuine. I believe that whether a friendship is genuine or not can be known over a period of time. Do you stand by your friends when they encounter difficulties in their lives? Do your friends stand by you when you encounter hardships? If your answer is yes, then surely the friendships are genuine and you should treasure them.
Last but not least, lasting friendships are built on the foundation of love. Some of you may be thinking that the only relationship that requires love to be the foundation is that between a husband and a wife or between a parent and a child. But I beg to differ. I believe that true friendships are also built on the foundation of love, and therefore are able to withstand all kinds of test, including the test of time. With this, I conclude my article.
Copyright by Chan Hui Li Annie

What is Friendship?

csbuildi — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 06:12:02 +0000

Yesterday I had accidentally stumbled across a programme in an FM Radio, in which I came to know that 2 nd August, was a ‘Friendship Day’. Fans opted for their favorite songs which highlighted the friendship. Perhaps, we have such a day to remind ourselves on the value of friendship.
Then I came to the real question. What is friendship? In fact it requires an elaborate and comprehensive definition. Friendship is an unique relationship based on mutual understanding traversing the barriers of sex, race, color, caste, religion, age, nation or country.
There is a proverb ‘familiarity breeds contempt’.But in my opinion familiarity breeds friendship.In the modern day context, especially in the online, building a network of friendship is to facilitate and widen your contacts, so as to build up your business and to increase your income. In the process we actually create a net work of like minded people or the people who have similar interests.
Suppose, if you are interested in writing articles, blogs, poems and short stories, you are in search of people who have similar interests. In other words, we can say that while love is blind, friendship is not. It has eyes. Writers befriend writers, poets befriend poets, doctors befriend doctors, engineers befriend engineers and teachers befriend teachers and so on, which means friendship emanates between the like minded people, who have similar interest and knowledge. In fact such friendships have solid base and foundation.
Sometimes, friendship that arises between a boy and a girl naturally blossoms into love that ultimately leads to a marital relationship.
In the modern days, friendship in its perverted form turns into a gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual marriages amidst controversies. The basis of such perverted form of relationship is nothing but sex.
But when you analyze friendship a little more deeper, friendship apart from being mutual, in its ideal form, it is caring; it is sharing, it is understanding; it is selfless, it is reciprocal; it is devotion for the cause of others.
Friendship evokes friendship; it creates a congenial and harmonious atmosphere and relationship between friends.
The foremost value of friendship is that it civilizes the human beings and raises their level of relationship to a higher plane.
Apart from that it is the friendship that plays a vital role in regulating the relationship of countries in the world.
Let us cherish, let us build up, let us value and let us commemorate friendship in the true sense of the word !

Relationship Repair

csbuildi — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 11:29:39 +0000

Repairing relationship requires much time and real endeavors to be fruitful. That’s why not everyone can succeed in healing relationship wounds easily. Luckily, recovering relationship with your Ex is not desperate but it’s not the task that you can complete alone and quickly. Deep reasons for your break-up will determine what proper measures for you to follow are.

So you should begin with finding the cause of the break down. You may find that a lot of small things have contributed to the break up. It is much easier to fix one big problem. But fixing several small things will require a lot of effort and patience. In either case, you need to put in the efforts, if you are keen on healing relationship wounds.

After figuring out what went wrong, you should honestly examine your own role and the extent of your contribution to the break up.
Related Coverage
Getting Back With Your Ex – Unique Relationship Repair Tip

One of the main reasons people are not able to bring their Ex back is because they cannot get over the shock of the situation enough to actually visualize a way to repair the relationship. Use this unique exercise to make getting back with your Ex come natural to both of you. Relationship Repair – Get Your Lover Back by Following This Important Tip

Separation anxiety can be a nightmare! You are lonely, mad depressed, scared and just want to make up and get the romance back in your life. If this is you then before you do anything rash, start following this important tip to get your lover back. Relationship Repair – Staying Positive After a Breakup

Every relationship has it’s ups and downs. Some days you are on top of the world and the next day you are on the bottom. But when a relationship breaks up you can really sink into a negative mood. Of course you are angry and upset and granted you will have a period of mourning over a lost love and questioning your self worth. Despite these feelings it’s critical to regain your positive attitude and at least appear confident and mentally strong if you want to get your ex back. Get Back Together Quiz – Free Relationship Repair Help to Get You and Your Ex Together Again

Wanting to get back together with your ex? Answer this get back together quiz to work out your next step in repairing your relationship and getting back together for good — before it’s too late!This will be a hard task for many people because no one likes to admit his or her mistakes. Even if you know that you have done a wrong, you may believe that the other person provoked you. But if your focus is on fixing things, you should not hesitate to own up your mistakes irrespective of what or who might have led you to commit them. Please remember you need to be not just honest, but brutally honest in evaluating yourself, if you have to zoom in on the real factors that caused the breaking up of the relationship.

It is not only actions but also words that might have played a big a role in a broken relationship. Words are as powerful as and sometimes more powerful than actions. It is well known that words can inflict deep wounds, which are difficult to heal.

The next thing is to decide what you need to do to fix the problems and commit yourself to investing the time required to work on this task. Healing relationship wounds will invariably involve changing your behavior. If you are not willing to accept this change, you may as well give up your efforts!

But whatever you do will have no effect unless your partner is also willing to work on the relationship. If you are not both committed to making it work, it is better to abandon the idea of healing relationship wounds and accept the break up as final.

You also need to be aware that even after you save your relationship, the scars left by the break up will remain for a long time and you both should accept this fact. But you can still make your life memorable by loving each other sincerely, with no expectations or conditions.

Relationship Problems

csbuildi — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 23:01:34 +0000

Those relationship problems never seem to go away. Why is that? Is it possible that problems are a by-product of a relationship?
What is a problem anyway? It is a certain thing, or situation that you are not willing to accept as it is. You want to change it.
What do we want from a relationship? What is a relationship without problems?
There is no relationship without problems! There is no life without problems! For the reason that we always want to change; change ourselves, others, situation. Life is change!
The bottom line is we will always have problems. Deal with it! Learn from it! Laugh at it! Make problems your ally! Change your perception of the problems.
Don’t fear them: fear creates resistance. What we resist will persist. Love them. Love transforms.
Related Coverage
Relationship Problems – How To Handle Blame And Criticism

Blame and criticism are among the most damaging relationship problems that couples experience. Knowing how to handle it is one of the most important social skills that we can possess as we learn how to effectively cope with the negative attitudes and barbed comments of others. Are You Having Relationship Problems? Try This!

If you’re in any sort of relationship, there’s a good chance that things aren’t perfect. Whether it’s a marriage or a long-time companionship, virtually everyone experiences relationship problems at one time or another. While many of these problems are just normal stresses and strains that everyone experiences, some are more serious and need to be addressed directly before they actually end the relationship! The Little Known Secret of Solving Relationship Problems

Concentrating on a problem contrary to popular belief will not help you solve it. The trick is to concentrate on the solution. In reality this is far from the case. Relationship Problems You Would Want to Avoid

Some relationship problems can be avoided. Ask yourself whether what you’re doing is in the name of love or some kind of manipulation. This is a question to ask when you’ve tried everything to keep a man and he doesn’t seem to change.To love is to understand and accept.
What we are looking for is always right here, right now. We don’t want to accept it; we prefer to expect it. (smile)
Over 90% of all failed relationships result from a lack of honest communication and awareness. Awareness is a key to an honest communication.
Thus, a relationship is a partnership, a friendship where people can support each other in life, being fully aware that they are getting into it out of basic need – survival. Only then true intimacy and honesty can take place in a relationship.
Starting a relationship with the belief that it is for the sake of (emotional) love manifests expectations, which will never be met. On the other hand, being aware of the true motives and acting upon them with humbleness will create moments of unconditional love.
We need a true friend!
“A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.”
–William Arthur Ward

The 7 Secrets of Happy People – Health – Wellness

csbuildi — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 14:07:39 +0000

There is that person who always seems to be happy no matter what they are doing and you can’t understand why they are so happy! Do they not have problems in their life? Do they not have stress that makes them tired and cranky? Do they not have annoying family and friends who expect a lot out of them?

The answer is yes they do. They live on the same planet as you after all! But they have a different approach to handling the stuff life brings them which makes them happier than most people.

Here are 7 secrets that happy people know that you need to learn to get on board the happy train of life!

1. The live in the present.

Happy people don’t hold on to the past like other people do. They focus on what is happening around them and enjoy it with a passion that only living in the moment can offer.

Many of us tend to dwell in our negative experiences and this makes us less happy in the short-term and long run.

Living in the present creates an awareness of life going on around you and allows you to enjoy what you are doing right now without baggage memories and expectations from your past. So open your eyes and pay attention to your present activity. Your happiness will thank you!

2. They have strong relationships in their lives.

Whether they are in an intimate relationship, have close friends, or have family that they cherish – they have strong relationships that support them and lift them up.

When you carry the weight of life on your shoulders alone it can be a huge load to walk around with. Friends, family, and spouses can offer a helping hand at taking that load off of you and helping you see issues you have more clearly as well as get over them quicker.

Without a support system you can have a hard time working through issues and you can carry them around with you while more issues pile up on top of them.

If you do not have a spouse and have no close family then go out and make relationships with kindred spirits by joining activities that you are interested in. When you form a strong relationship cherish it for what it does for you.

3. They know who they are and act the part!

They are not trying to be someone they are not and instead they talk, walk, and act exactly how they are without trying to impress anyone else. They don’t quiet down their laugh because it’s too loud and they don’t wear the ‘in clothes’ for the season so others think they are stylish. They just are who they are.

When you are trying to be someone you are not you are essentially telling yourself that you are not good enough. How are you supposed to be happy when you feel you are not good enough? Realize that uniqueness is a sexy quality in people and since everyone is unique you cannot be like everyone else and they should not expect you to be!

4. They do not complain.

They do not complain about every single thing that happens to them and dwell in it for days but they instead just do it or get through it or move on from it.

Complaining is an extremely negative emotion to have or be around. Complaining does absolutely nothing for anyone except make them more miserable. It doesn’t solve problems, find solutions, or get rid of negative emotions – it just keeps the problems and negativity hanging around longer. How can you be happy when you are always complaining?

5. They are doing what makes them happy.

Everyone has something in life that they absolutely want to be doing. Happy people do it. They do the things that make them the happiest in their career, activities, and life in general.

If you hate your job then change it to something you love. If you sit at home all day being miserable then get out and do something that would make you happy.

Follow your joy and participate in things that make you feel good about yourself and life and happiness will come naturally to you.

6. They see the positive side of everything.

There is literally a negative and positive side to everything and happy people see the positive side very clearly.

Negative people tend to dwell on the negative side of every situation.

It doesn’t matter what you are doing you always have a choice to look at the glass half full or half empty. It’s up to you. Just remember that if you look at it half full you will be happier in life.

7. They are compassionate and understanding

Having compassion for other people makes them, and you, happy. It’s a win-win situation.

When you have compassion for other people you are more willing to help out and lend an ear. This in turn makes them feel better about themselves and when you can help other people be happier you instantly receive the benefits for yourself. You feel better about yourself and what you are doing with this life.

When you do not have compassion and understanding you become short-tempered and irritable. This leads to complaining and negativity and it’s impossible to be naturally happy from this state.

The 18 Characteristics Of Happy People – Self Help

csbuildi — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 01:47:15 +0000

In order to be happy, we should make happiness our ultimate goal. If attitude is truly everything, then being happy is definitely a choice. Although most people would argue against that, I could still declare that being glad and staying glad is my choice. If the truth be told, “If it was that easy everybody will do it.

Everybody will jump straight out of bed and enthusiastically scream, “Good morning, Oh God,” instead of what most would scream like, “My God, it is morning.” The art of being happy involves dedication, concentration and constant injection of inspiration. Undoubtedly, negative people around the world yielded plenty. Not only people but there are also lots of things and places that drain our energy that may diminish our happiness.

I have been doing some research lately on joyful and cheerful people and listed below in no particular order, the characteristics of happy people. 1.) Happy people have also happy friends. 2.) They know how to stand their ground and speak for themselves when they feel or think they are not treated properly.

3.) They live with integrity; they’re honest and sincere with others and with themselves and they live their values. 4.) They often listen to music. 5.) They really are thankful for what they have. They recognize their blessings that come their way and constantly show appreciation and gratitude. 6.) They receive and likewise share lots of love, compassion and affection.

7.) Mostly happy people sleep better. 8.) They eat well and also focus on feeding their body with high quality food. 9.) They’re patient with people and things around them. 10.) They’re excited-they always have something to look forward to everyday and welcome the new and exciting adventures that life has in store for them.

11.) They simply want the best not just for them but also for people around them. 12.) They have a regular exercise or workout regimen. 13.) They are naturally optimistic–they try to practice the fine art of altering negative circumstance to put a positive twist in them. 14.) They know how to live their passion.

They know their purpose on this earth and at this time they know their true calling. 15.) They readily forgive themselves and do not severely beat up on themselves for unavoidable mistakes. 16.) They consistently try to learn new things and are open to fresh and new ideas. 17.) They fully understand the significance of self care and well being and make sure that they constantly work toward strengthening their mental health and fitness.

18.) They understand the power of praying because they are spiritual. They believe that through constant prayer, all things are possible and attainable. How about you-why don’t you take this happy quiz now and find out if you’re happy. Try putting a check mark next to the characteristics that describe your personality.

Pay attention to the areas you didn’t check. Then ask yourself seriously, “Now, what am I going to do about that?” Again the art of being happy takes action, focus and the perception of optimism.

Easy Ways to Make Friends Easily with Free Friendship Dating Site

csbuildi — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 08:05:54 +0000

A free friendship dating site is a blessing in disguise for many people who have not found any success with speed dating sites or romantic dating sites or other varieties of internet dating sites.

Free of Cost Friendship Website

The main advantage of hooking up with a free friendship dating site is that firstly, the registration process is free and you can create your account and search through the data base absolutely free of cost.

In a reputed friendship site where registration is 100% free (though you have to upgrade and become a paid member to send messages) you can create a peppy profile, interact with a huge member base and take a look at their profiles, indulge in blogging sessions, send emails and chats and instant messages etc. In short you will get to enjoy all the features of a paid online dating service or friendship site without having to pay anything!

Set Your Own Pace for Relaxed Friendship Dating

A free friendship dating site will allow you to proceed in the dating game at your own comfortable pace without hurrying you on. And these friendship websites are very easy to use and won’t leave you confused through intricacies that are difficult to comprehend.

All that you need to do to meet men online or meet ladies online and make friends online free is to sign up, create your profile, search through or browse through hundreds of member profiles, send friend requests to those you like or accept friend requests from members if you like their profile and you can simply start scrapping them or leave behind comments in their diaries or scrapbooks to carry on with the friendship. You can use smileys or graphics or instant messages as conversation starters.

And these friendship websites are pretty flexible with time. You don’t run the fear of getting unsubscribed after 3 months or 6 months due to non payment of fees. There is no membership deadline as such and most people remain loyal subscribers of a good and trusted friendship site for years and years, taking their own time to judge people or meet more new people. There is no attached rider like expiry of membership period and you can make as many new friends as you like for 4 years or 10 years.

Wider Scope and Larger Database to Choose Friends from

In a free friendship site, it is possible to meet people from all walks of life, from all ethnicities, from all religious or communal groups and you have the scope to explore your options from a larger database of members as maximum numbers of people prefer to join a free friendship site.

Love

csbuildi — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 07:07:09 +0000

What is love? Many people are very confused by love. They wonder: is love something you can deliberately find, or do you have to wait for it to come to you? Are some people destined to find love and others not? How can you know when you’ve found it? Is there such a thing as true love?

Why do we care so much about love? Love is something that has the potential to bring us great satisfaction and real happiness. We all dream of a love that will fill our lives with joy and last forever. Is everyone who, deep down, would not want that kind of love?

At the same time, love seems to be extremely unpredictable and mysterious.

Related Coverage

Why Women Love Shoes

Millions of men want to know the reason why women love shoes. And we are sure there are hardly any fashionistas today without a minimum of 10 pairs of shoes. Why do women need so many? Set Free by Love

Love is a powerful force. It is such a powerful energy that it even protects us from the wiles of the dark force we call Satan. Many of us have been taught to fear Satan and an illusive place we call Hell. Is there really such a place, or is it just a state of mind, or a figment of our imagination? Christ Love

Humans appear to lack faith to worship a God they cannot see so they choose to worship other humans. Some worship Buddha, some Jesus, and some other avatars. Love is King

How can love be King? Is love a living force whereby it can become King?Most of the stories and songs about love do not speak about the joys of love. There are many songs and poems about lost love, unfaithful love, the search for love, and falling in and out of love. This means that love is not always so easy to understand or to keep.

Everyone wants to love and be loved. In one way or another, love occupies the minds of all of us on a daily basis. It is perhaps the most written- about topic of poetry, song and story.

When one person gives love to another, creating a desire within the other person to return that love, a circuit is created, like electricity. This may create a bond that neither side wants to break. Eventually, the bond created between the two may become so strong that no force in the universe could break it. In this case two partners become as one being. They can’t imagine anything else but to be together in love.

Why does a circuit of love once begun, sometimes get broken? Selfishness creeps into love relationships when instead they are meant to be focused upon the other person. That is how the circuit- and the heart- gets broken.

The highest and most mature form of love is selfless. It is love that gives without expecting anything in return. It does not change just because it doesn’t get something back right away. Of course, everyone desires to be at the receiving end of Love, but a mature person focuses more on giving love than receiving it. Such love is unconditional.

Human beings long for unconditional love. When we experience unconditional love, it gives us a deep sense of peace, security, value, and well-being. This kind of love says that we are loved for who we are without having to do anything for it. We are loved not because we meet certain conditions, but simply because have value as human being.

Unconditional love can commonly be seen in parental love. Truly loving parents do not step to calculate how much they have given their children and decide that it is enough. They love their child simply because he or she is their child, and they want to give him or her everything they can so the child can have a good life. This kind of love knows no limits- the parents will work day and night for the benefit of their child.

However, a form of conditional love is also necessary in order for growth to occur. Parents give conditional love to their children as well.

Conditional love, guided by principles and expectations, is an important side of love. If we really love someone, we naturally want them to do good things and to feel happy about life. Parents give their children conditional love to guide and encourage the children to behave in such a way as to experience this joy. It is always for the sake of the child.

Most of people have a self-centered love. Self-centered love is a different story altogether. Self-centered love is so common; it almost appears to be the norm. It is not, however.

We can easily be taken in by self-centered love. The motivation behind self-centered love is to fulfill one’s own needs and desires rather than being truly concerned about the other, but, this motivation may be very deeply buried. The person may not even be aware that this is how he or she is “loving” the other.

Self centered love says things like: “I’ll love you as long as you make me look good.” “I’ll love you as long as you have sex with me.” “I’ll love you as long as you spend money on me.”

People marry because they think they lovesome another, but after a while they divorce. If love were truly present, could it simply disappear? Through bitter experience many people come to learn there is big difference between genuine love and what often passes for love in our world.

It is easy to be fooled by self-centered love. Our emotional and sexual feelings are strong and they carry us away. It feels like real love. But if we look deeply into our hearts or into the heart of the other person, we often will see self-centeredness at work. What we really want from this person we “love” is a flattering mirror reflecting ourselves. We actually care very little for the other person and much more for the way he or she makes us feel about ourselves.

Because self-centered love is so deceptive, it is important not to get physically involved until both people are ready to make a lasting commitment to one another in marriage. Otherwise, sexual excitement blinds us to the real nature of the relationship, and we wind up with broken hearts. Scientists have found that kind people who love people in general in an unselfish way have happier, long-lasting, love-filled marriages

True love is unselfish love. It is always for the sake of the other person. True love may be unconditional or conditional.

How Do You Spell Love? T – I – M – E : A Remedy for Healing Heartbreak

csbuildi — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 04:24:05 +0000

For the past five years I’ve been single again after a rocky marriage that didn’t go as I had hoped. At first, I was filled with enthusiasm as I looked forward into the future to get a fresh start at love. But, as many of you might have discovered, starting over isn’t always easy. In short, there are a lot of wounded hearts out there. And, when all these wounds bump into each other it can be hard to know how to create a healing balm. Well, here is one solution. Love.

But, in this article I am speaking about a particular kind of love, one that I first learned about many years ago when passing by a church billboard. It said simply, “How do you spell love? T – I – M – E.” That gave me a lot to reflect on. You see time is about bonding, or connecting, which is what two of my favorite relationship counselors, Pat Love and Steven Stosney share in their brillant book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.”

This is true whetherthe time spent it is between partners, parents and children, friends, or co-workers. And, it isn’t just a matter of quality time, it’s time, period! As another favorite saying of mine relates, “Time is priority, we always have time for our priorities in life.” Meaning, if you want to know if something or someone is a priority to you, look at how much time you invest in that person or activity.

On a personal level, I really got to experience how time heals in recent years. But, understand that I am not talking about taking time apart so that bonds can dissolve, but spending time together to lift everything up into a state of love, whether you keep things at a partnership, or just friend level.

One example of this especially stands out in my mind. It concerns a relationship I had with a man for a few years, that for various reasons didn’t work out. Though at first we needed some time to pass apart from each other to cool things down and to heal our hurt, what really mended our hearts was making a commitment to spend loving time together. Not so we could become a couple again, but to honor what love had been shared between us. Believe me, it worked!

The time together consisted of casual lunches, a few movies out, some early evening dinners, karoke, and friendly chats on the phone. The goal was not to get back together, but to find a way to honor one another and help us remember the love that was shared between us. Over a series of months of doing this, the “salve” worked and our wounds were healed. Today a loving friendship exists because we took time to heal one another, and lift ourselves back into a state of love. (Michael – thanks for taking the time to help us heal so we could move forward in a healthy way and be free to love others).

Now, I know sometimes this isn’t always practical. If we are speaking about relationships that are over, it could be one or both people have moved on with someone else. Then, you need to have an understanding partner who respects what the two of you are attempting to do. Strange as it sounds many years ago, I was actually invited to meet with a former boyfriend and his new girlfriend to be involved in such a healing process. Upon their request I took the time to drive from Los Angeles to Sacramento where they lived. There we spent three days together. During that time, I was able to bring love, compassion, and respect to the man who had never fully let me go, though we had not been a couple for years. And, I was able to bond with his new girlfriend, who finally saw first hand that I was truly not a threat. To my amazement she and I became fast friends as we spent time together. There were tears, but also there was a lot of laughter between us. I still have the picture that the man took of her and I holding each other in a loving hug just as I was about to go back home. I have never forgotten how powerful it was to spend that kind of loving time together. (Marvin and Olga – I still remember this, thank you for your gift of love).

You see in a world where more and more people feel abandoned and neglected, and where people are increasingly preoccupied with spending time at work, making a living, or vegging out in front of the television, too many of us are not spending the time together to bond, connect, and share our love. We are not holding each other, laughing enough together, greeting each other with a warm hello.

So, let me ask you this. Especially as we move into the holiday season, is there someone in your life you need to spend time with to bring about a healing? A partner, parent, child, co-worker, friend, former loved one that you are now estranged from? If so, here is what I recommend. Make a commitment to take some time to be together. Make your healing and reconnection a priority in your life. Don’t let other priorities dominate and crowd out the time you have set aside to do this, or you will end up increasing the sense of abandonment and hurt all over again. Then, the healing will become even more difficult.

And, if you choose to do this here are some ground rules.

1. Set aside time to be together.
2. Know that the goal is to help each other heal.
3. Don’t discuss hurts at first. Just keep it casual.
4. Reconnecting in public is a good idea to start. Lunches are best at the beginning.
5. If you were partners once, refrain from anything sexual. This is not an attempt to rekindle a relationship at this point, it is only about healing past hurts.
6. As much as possible, as you are first reconnecting, keep the time spent to a minimum, but be sure to make the time you spend together consistent! Long gaps, or broken commitments regarding spending healing time together, will only create more hurt.
7. If the two of you do want to talk about any hurt caused between the two of you, don’t do it until you have had at least five casual reconnections, maybe even as many as seven. Remember the goal at first is connection, not communication.
8. If someone feels sensitive, or mistrusts your intention to spend healing time together, know that time spent in the right way will help that as well. Share that you care about that person. Let them know you want to spend some time with them. Pick something to do together that the two of you would enjoy. (And, remember I am talking about parents spending time with children, and friends spending time with friends, not just former partners healing hurts together).

Ultimately, I have found in my own experience that this kind of healing time really works. But, remember to be consistent in doing this. Set a regular time if you need to. And, stick to the rules to not discuss any hurt between you until you have had consistent casual time together.

Believe me, this works. And, what better thing to do over the holidays than to mend hurts with the people you love (and once loved), than to let them fester any longer.

Want more help? Also, consider this book, “I Thought We’d Never Speak Again.” Or, call me for a counseling session. Information about how to contact me is available at my website. http://www.doctorlisalove.com

Happy Healing to You!

Blessings and love,

Lisa