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July 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

11311885923_010.jpgWhat is love? Many people are very confused by love. They wonder: is love something you can deliberately find, or do you have to wait for it to come to you? Are some people destined to find love and others not? How can you know when you’ve found it? Is there such a thing as true love?
 
Why do we care so much about love? Love is something that has the potential to bring us great satisfaction and real happiness. We all dream of a love that will fill our lives with joy and last forever. Is everyone who, deep down, would not want that kind of love?
 
At the same time, love seems to be extremely unpredictable and mysterious.

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Humans appear to lack faith to worship a God they cannot see so they choose to worship other humans. Some worship Buddha, some Jesus, and some other avatars. Love is King

How can love be King? Is love a living force whereby it can become King?Most of the stories and songs about love do not speak about the joys of love. There are many songs and poems about lost love, unfaithful love, the search for love, and falling in and out of love. This means that love is not always so easy to understand or to keep.
 
Everyone wants to love and be loved. In one way or another, love occupies the minds of all of us on a daily basis. It is perhaps the most written- about topic of poetry, song and story.
 
When one person gives love to another, creating a desire within the other person to return that love, a circuit is created, like electricity. This may create a bond that neither side wants to break. Eventually, the bond created between the two may become so strong that no force in the universe could break it. In this case two partners become as one being. They can’t imagine anything else but to be together in love.
 
Why does a circuit of love once begun, sometimes get broken? Selfishness creeps into love relationships when instead they are meant to be focused upon the other person. That is how the circuit- and the heart- gets broken.
 
The highest and most mature form of love is selfless. It is love that gives without expecting anything in return. It does not change just because it doesn’t get something back right away. Of course, everyone desires to be at the receiving end of Love, but a mature person focuses more on giving love than receiving it. Such love is unconditional.
 
Human beings long for unconditional love. When we experience unconditional love, it gives us a deep sense of peace, security, value, and well-being. This kind of love says that we are loved for who we are without having to do anything for it. We are loved not because we meet certain conditions, but simply because have value as human being.
 
Unconditional love can commonly be seen in parental love. Truly loving parents do not step to calculate how much they have given their children and decide that it is enough. They love their child simply because he or she is their child, and they want to give him or her everything they can so the child can have a good life. This kind of love knows no limits- the parents will work day and night for the benefit of their child.
 
However, a form of conditional love is also necessary in order for growth to occur. Parents give conditional love to their children as well.
 
Conditional love, guided by principles and expectations, is an important side of love. If we really love someone, we naturally want them to do good things and to feel happy about life. Parents give their children conditional love to guide and encourage the children to behave in such a way as to experience this joy. It is always for the sake of the child.
 
Most of people have a self-centered love. Self-centered love is a different story altogether. Self-centered love is so common; it almost appears to be the norm. It is not, however.
 
We can easily be taken in by self-centered love. The motivation behind self-centered love is to fulfill one’s own needs and desires rather than being truly concerned about the other, but, this motivation may be very deeply buried. The person may not even be aware that this is how he or she is “loving” the other.
 
Self centered love says things like: “I’ll love you as long as you make me look good.” “I’ll love you as long as you have sex with me.” “I’ll love you as long as you spend money on me.”
 
People marry because they think they lovesome another, but after a while they divorce. If love were truly present, could it simply disappear? Through bitter experience many people come to learn there is big difference between genuine love and what often passes for love in our world.
 
It is easy to be fooled by self-centered love. Our emotional and sexual feelings are strong and they carry us away. It feels like real love. But if we look deeply into our hearts or into the heart of the other person, we often will see self-centeredness at work. What we really want from this person we “love” is a flattering mirror reflecting ourselves. We actually care very little for the other person and much more for the way he or she makes us feel about ourselves.
 
Because self-centered love is so deceptive, it is important not to get physically involved until both people are ready to make a lasting commitment to one another in marriage. Otherwise, sexual excitement blinds us to the real nature of the relationship, and we wind up with broken hearts. Scientists have found that kind people who love people in general in an unselfish way have happier, long-lasting, love-filled marriages
 
True love is unselfish love. It is always for the sake of the other person. True love may be unconditional or conditional.

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How Do You Spell Love? T – I – M – E : A Remedy for Healing Heartbreak

July 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

21311885782_maiandamon.jpgFor the past five years I’ve been single again after a rocky marriage that didn’t go as I had hoped. At first, I was filled with enthusiasm as I looked forward into the future to get a fresh start at love. But, as many of you might have discovered, starting over isn’t always easy. In short, there are a lot of wounded hearts out there. And, when all these wounds bump into each other it can be hard to know how to create a healing balm. Well, here is one solution. Love.

But, in this article I am speaking about a particular kind of love, one that I first learned about many years ago when passing by a church billboard. It said simply, “How do you spell love? T – I – M – E.” That gave me a lot to reflect on. You see time is about bonding, or connecting, which is what two of my favorite relationship counselors, Pat Love and Steven Stosney share in their brillant book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.”

This is true whetherthe time spent it is between partners, parents and children, friends, or co-workers. And, it isn’t just a matter of quality time, it’s time, period! As another favorite saying of mine relates, “Time is priority, we always have time for our priorities in life.” Meaning, if you want to know if something or someone is a priority to you, look at how much time you invest in that person or activity.

On a personal level, I really got to experience how time heals in recent years. But, understand that I am not talking about taking time apart so that bonds can dissolve, but spending time together to lift everything up into a state of love, whether you keep things at a partnership, or just friend level.

One example of this especially stands out in my mind. It concerns a relationship I had with a man for a few years, that for various reasons didn’t work out. Though at first we needed some time to pass apart from each other to cool things down and to heal our hurt, what really mended our hearts was making a commitment to spend loving time together. Not so we could become a couple again, but to honor what love had been shared between us. Believe me, it worked!

The time together consisted of casual lunches, a few movies out, some early evening dinners, karoke, and friendly chats on the phone. The goal was not to get back together, but to find a way to honor one another and help us remember the love that was shared between us. Over a series of months of doing this, the “salve” worked and our wounds were healed. Today a loving friendship exists because we took time to heal one another, and lift ourselves back into a state of love. (Michael – thanks for taking the time to help us heal so we could move forward in a healthy way and be free to love others).

Now, I know sometimes this isn’t always practical. If we are speaking about relationships that are over, it could be one or both people have moved on with someone else. Then, you need to have an understanding partner who respects what the two of you are attempting to do. Strange as it sounds many years ago, I was actually invited to meet with a former boyfriend and his new girlfriend to be involved in such a healing process. Upon their request I took the time to drive from Los Angeles to Sacramento where they lived. There we spent three days together. During that time, I was able to bring love, compassion, and respect to the man who had never fully let me go, though we had not been a couple for years. And, I was able to bond with his new girlfriend, who finally saw first hand that I was truly not a threat. To my amazement she and I became fast friends as we spent time together. There were tears, but also there was a lot of laughter between us. I still have the picture that the man took of her and I holding each other in a loving hug just as I was about to go back home. I have never forgotten how powerful it was to spend that kind of loving time together. (Marvin and Olga – I still remember this, thank you for your gift of love).

You see in a world where more and more people feel abandoned and neglected, and where people are increasingly preoccupied with spending time at work, making a living, or vegging out in front of the television, too many of us are not spending the time together to bond, connect, and share our love. We are not holding each other, laughing enough together, greeting each other with a warm hello.

So, let me ask you this. Especially as we move into the holiday season, is there someone in your life you need to spend time with to bring about a healing? A partner, parent, child, co-worker, friend, former loved one that you are now estranged from? If so, here is what I recommend. Make a commitment to take some time to be together. Make your healing and reconnection a priority in your life. Don’t let other priorities dominate and crowd out the time you have set aside to do this, or you will end up increasing the sense of abandonment and hurt all over again. Then, the healing will become even more difficult.

And, if you choose to do this here are some ground rules.

1. Set aside time to be together.
2. Know that the goal is to help each other heal.
3. Don’t discuss hurts at first. Just keep it casual.
4. Reconnecting in public is a good idea to start. Lunches are best at the beginning.
5. If you were partners once, refrain from anything sexual. This is not an attempt to rekindle a relationship at this point, it is only about healing past hurts.
6. As much as possible, as you are first reconnecting, keep the time spent to a minimum, but be sure to make the time you spend together consistent! Long gaps, or broken commitments regarding spending healing time together, will only create more hurt.
7. If the two of you do want to talk about any hurt caused between the two of you, don’t do it until you have had at least five casual reconnections, maybe even as many as seven. Remember the goal at first is connection, not communication.
8. If someone feels sensitive, or mistrusts your intention to spend healing time together, know that time spent in the right way will help that as well. Share that you care about that person. Let them know you want to spend some time with them. Pick something to do together that the two of you would enjoy. (And, remember I am talking about parents spending time with children, and friends spending time with friends, not just former partners healing hurts together).

Ultimately, I have found in my own experience that this kind of healing time really works. But, remember to be consistent in doing this. Set a regular time if you need to. And, stick to the rules to not discuss any hurt between you until you have had consistent casual time together.

Believe me, this works. And, what better thing to do over the holidays than to mend hurts with the people you love (and once loved), than to let them fester any longer.

Want more help? Also, consider this book, “I Thought We’d Never Speak Again.” Or, call me for a counseling session. Information about how to contact me is available at my website. http://www.doctorlisalove.com

Happy Healing to You!

Blessings and love,

Lisa

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

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The Art to Love And be Loved

July 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

01311885741_sany0140.jpgSince the world began the man and woman reach out to each other and try to unravel the secret of true love. There is really it, and if so, where lies the key to it. Some of the most beautiful love stories the world – from brilliant to pathetic tragic success is based precisely on this subject – to love and be loved in return.

To love and be loved

No human being can not live without love. Whatever form they will express it or received it at some point everyone needs to feel important to someone. And that’s okay – really rich when you can throw yourself wholeheartedly feelings and return repeatedly, without thinking what and how much you get in return.

Of course, it’s not about that one-sided partnership relationship in which one altruistically give all my heart and the other takes all selfish and wants even more. To love and be loved is that balance which keeps relationships and act as a key driver for both partners.

The desire to love

There is a belief that is almost always in a relationship love is not equal. Which means that one of two partners provides more than the other and deliberately refused to accept the fact that it may seriously damage the relationship between them.

There are men who need just a little hint that something is wrong and they are thrown to fix the problem and appeasement to their loved ones. There are women who wish to make to them man to feel loved and special, become mothers protectors, covered him with strangulation and obsessive love.

This type of people are ready to follow your spouse, wherever they take them to her show that are available at any time and any place. And that becomes a failure. First, because the person receiving this love can be felt too secure in your relationship and not to give a real idea of what they have to themselves. And second, because at one point can sense a limitation caused by his own inability to respond to this love.

The desire to be loved

There are also people who have a strong desire to be loved. Not that they are not able to give love to your partner, but just have a constant need him to prove their loyalty and to see in his eyes flame that burns only for them.

According to some experts, the reason for the strong desire to be loved may be rooted in childhood and family environment in which they grew up kind of person. Whether the ingrained sense of inferiority or because of complex internal kompleksiranost, they want to know they are special, unique and irreplaceable. If this proves to them daily, even every minute. Like just about their needs and their desires and if at that very moment when they want attention, their partner can not give it to them, for the simple reason that there are some important obligations they feel neglected and harmed.

Over time this leads to the opposite effect in their favorite – instead loves them more dedicated, it pulls more strongly. The only solution to avoid this problem, one sometimes to remember to give the will of its own expression of feelings and to show your partner that he can fight him the same kindness and affection they receive.

“Honeymoon” has the edge

Sooner or later the “honeymoon” ends. For some it is painful to realize that the original mutual intoxication and euphoric and dynamic development of the relationship during the first few months, whether we talk about marriage or a new acquaintance, passes into a more stable and straight condition. Not that my love is gone, not that one has begun to love less. Just in time both partners begin to feel more comfortable with each other and experiencing a desire to focus their attention not only to the other, but also to the many daily activities that were previously ignored, to be 100% committed to your relationship.

Most importantly, each one both when they realize that the “honeymoon” is over, is to continue to appreciate the fact that by its very special person who can satisfy his desire for closeness and it makes you feel part of a whole. Can shake off the thought that something was wrong and to accept that love has evolved in this for the better. Because if after the first months of intoxication this link continues to strengthen both feel ever closer, they really find their mate in the person of another.

What is love?

Chemistry is not love. That is incredibly noticeable attraction between two people does not mean that they have exactly that long and shared love, we are talking about. Does not mean that they do have love for one another. Desire is not love. Rather it is an addiction to the feeling you have something you can not, therefore soliciting of it again and again. Yearning is not love. Hand, is often confused with love, is actually a strong psychological projection on the love object. Lust is a biological function associated with the creation of a generation. Violence is certainly not love. This is a more direct expression of our low or no self-esteem at all. Neglect is not love – there’s always time for a little exchange of tender feelings. Indifference is not love. Or someone has feelings for others and showing them, or not at all. What then is love? Whatever fills your heart when you see a loved one, everything that evokes a smile on your lips – even thought about it, everything that you feel in his presence and makes you feel special. Love – a collection is about mutual devotion, care, attention, tenderness and understanding that there is no need to calculations, to be donated. Everything you do with a pure heart’s love.

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